Game of 'life'

Those who know me also know that I spend a lot of time waffling on about games, game boards and the such like. I suppose my ego likes to think that during these somewhat senile ramblings I have illuminated at least one footfall upon someones path. Judging by the requests I have for a wider explanation I now doubt that.

There is a certain joy to be obtained from experiencing aspects of our lives as a series of games, a simplicity that can lead to a greater appreciation of our place in the scheme of things. Of course, it could be total nonsense too.....

As I once remarked, everything I say is a total lie - see, I did it again!

Life is complicated because we like it that way, it allows us to commit all manner of deeds, both good and bad, and generally escape having to be responsible for any of it. How clever of us.

A closer examination of human life, however, reveals a different story. No more the tangled webs we weave, oh no, just a complex pattern of gaming that would translate very nicely into cyberspace. In fact the algorithms are already in use by games manufacturers.

Let us first examine the concept of a 'game' and what is required.

• The Players
• A Reason to play
• A Field of play (the Gameboard)
• A set of Rules
• Concepts of Punishment or Reward for adhering to, or breaking the Rules
• A Referee
• The Crowd

Now, the above can be applied to any area in your life with absolute precision, so precise as to be able to predict outcomes. How's them apples then?

Lets look closer. The Players are any number of people who agree to take part in the Game. If its the game of Marriage (Relationships) then there are Two Players. Unless, of course, you are one of those special breed of Humans called the Cheat. These people Cheat at every game they are involved in and are generically referred to as Scumbags.

So, two people come together in a relationship. If they are sensible they will have discussed the rules beforehand. The rules must be ones that they can both agree to abide by such as , "Thou shalt not cop off with anyone by thought, deed or action, whilst thou are my main squeeze". Get the picture? Good.

These rules will be unconsciously modified by the 'filters' that our young love struck couple are subject too. These may be social - 'Thou shalt not cause an ankle to be shown in a public place', phobic - 'Thou shalt never tie me up lest thou are having a thrombi thus leaving me trussed up naked with your corpse', or cultural - 'Thou shall allow examination of the bedlinen by my parents to prove Billy Higgins was lying when he said he did you first'. That sort of stuff.

At least you get the idea that the understanding of the rules is of paramount importance to the success of this particular type of Game.

The Game board (in this case) is the partnership home and it should be sacrosanct to this couple. It should be filled with their joint expressions of togetherness, not with the individual bounty of their lives, nor the whimsical musings of their respective parents, friends etc. It has to reflect their union, and what the relationship means to them both. Getting an interior designer to do it is both lazy and stupid.

Loss & Gains - occasionally referred to as the Homer Factor. A lack of attention to the rules you have both laid down is a dire situation when it comes to reward time. Especially if you are a man. Never, ever take your eyes off your woman because if you do she will go do something and then ask you about it, and you are shafted. Carry a photo (updated daily) of her so you know what she looked like the last time you saw her, so that when she changes her hair colour, style, or cut you can quickly look to the photo and promptly say "Honey, your hair- it looks great". This also works for clothes, weight loss, aging, and of course, actually remembering who she is.

Of course, it's easier for the female as she doesn't need a photo of her loved one as he never changes - at least not his underwear, shirt, trousers, hair style or attitude. if he does you just know he's having an affair. Simple.

The Referee is the piece of paper you wrote all the rules down on. Ideally have the original engraved on plates of Titanium and buried in a casket at a secret location by someone with only 24 hours to live. Use photocopies to threaten each other with thus keeping intact the true intent of your love.

Finally we have the Crowd. These are all the people you both know who hate you for having such a brilliant relationship and will secretly do anything to foul it up. These people are also known as Friends, and believe me when I say 'they are watching you'.

In summation, somewhere on this page is a great truth, all you have to do is look for it. When you find it email me as I am buggered if I know what it is.